The Big Secret of Dealing With People

There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. [...] And that is by making the other person want to do it.

The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want. [...] What do you want? Not many things, but the few that you do wish, you crave with an insistence that will not be denied. Some of the things most people want include:

1. Health and the preservation of life.
2. Food.
3. Sleep.
4. Money and the things money will buy.
5. Life in the hereafter.
6. Sexual gratification.
7. The well-being of our children.
8. A feeling of importance.

Almost all these wants are usually gratified – all except one. But there is one longing – almost as deep, almost as imperious, as the desire for food or sleep – which is seldom gratified. It is what Freud calls "the desire to be great". It is what Dewey calls the "desire to be important".

If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I'll tell you what you are. That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you.

If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity.

"I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people", said Schwab, "the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticism from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise."

"In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world", Schwab declared, "I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism."

Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does.

In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else.

The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.

Don't be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.

Alvaro Obregon

In our interpersonal relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.

Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.

Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for.

Let's cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let's try to figure out the other person's good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation.

Reference:

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

"If You Want to Gather Honey, Don't Kick Over the Beehive"

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. 

Criticism is dangerous, because it 

• wounds a person's precious pride, 
• hurts his sense of importance, and 
• arouses resentment.

By criticizing, we 

• do not make lasting changes and 
• often incur resentment.

The resentment that criticism engenders 

• can demoralize employees, family members and friends, and 
• still not correct the situation that has been condemned.

Don't complain about the snow on your neighbor's roof, when your own doorstep is unclean.

Confucius

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. 

We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do. 

But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.

Thomas Carlyle

Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. 

Let's try to figure out why they do what they do. 

That's a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.

Reference:  How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Dealing with people

Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face, especially if you are in business.

[...] even in such technical lines as engineering, about 15 percent of one's financial success is due to one's technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in human engineering – to personality and the ability to lead people.

One can for example, hire mere technical ability in engineering, accountancy, architecture or any other profession at nominal salaries. 

But the person who has technical knowledge plus the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people – that person is headed for higher earning power.

If you teach a man anything, he will never learn.

Bernard Shaw

Reference:
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Dale Carnegie - How to Stop Worrying and Start Living

How to Stop Worrying and Start Living - Dale Carnegie

Dale Carnegie (1888 -- 1955) was an American writer and lecturer and the developer of famous courses in self-improvement, salesmanship, corporate training, public speaking and interpersonal skills. Born in poverty on a farm in Missouri, he was the author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, first published in 1936, a massive bestseller that remains popular today.

He also wrote How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, a biography of Abraham Lincoln entitled Lincoln the Unknown, and several other books.

One of the core ideas in his books is that it is possible to change other people's behavior by changing one's reaction to them.

Biography

Born in 1888 in Maryville, Missouri, Carnegie was a poor farmer's boy, the second son of James William Carnagey (b. Indiana, February 1852 -- living 1910) and wife Amanda Elizabeth Harbison (b. Missouri, February 1858 -- living 1910). In his teens, though still having to get up at 4 a.m. every day to milk his parents' cows, he managed to obtain an education at the State Teacher's College in Warrensburg. His first job after college was selling correspondence courses to ranchers; then he moved on to selling bacon, soap and lard for Armour & Company. He was successful to the point of making his sales territory of South Omaha, Nebraska, the national leader for the firm.[1]

After saving $500, Dale Carnegie quit sales in 1911 in order to pursue a lifelong dream of becoming a Chautauqua lecturer. He ended up instead attending the American Academy of Dramatic Arts in New York, but found little success as an actor, though it is written that he played the role of Dr. Hartley in a road show of Polly of the Circus.[citation needed] When the production ended, he returned to New York, unemployed, nearly broke, and living at the YMCA on 125th Street. It was there that he got the idea to teach public speaking, and he persuaded the "Y" manager to allow him to instruct a class in return for 80% of the net proceeds. In his first session, he had run out of material; improvising, he suggested that students speak about "something that made them angry", and discovered that the technique made speakers unafraid to address a public audience.[2] From this 1912 debut, the Dale Carnegie Course evolved. Carnegie had tapped into the average American's desire to have more self-confidence, and by 1914, he was earning $500 - the equivalent of nearly $10,000 now - every week.

Perhaps one of Carnegie's most successful marketing moves was to change the spelling of his last name from "Carnagey" to Carnegie, at a time when Andrew Carnegie (unrelated) was a widely revered and recognized name. By 1916, Dale was able to rent Carnegie Hall itself for a lecture to a packed house.[3] Carnegie's first collection of his writings was Public Speaking: a Practical Course for Business Men (1926), later entitled Public Speaking and Influencing Men in Business (1932). His crowning achievement, however, was when Simon & Schuster published How to Win Friends and Influence People. The book was a bestseller from its debut in 1936[4], in its 17th printing within a few months.[3] By the time of Carnegie's death, the book had sold five million copies in 31 languages, and there had been 450,000 graduates of his Dale Carnegie Institute.[5] It has been stated in the book that he had critiqued over 150,000 speeches in his participation in the adult education movement of the time.[6] During World War I he served in the U.S. Army.[7]

His first marriage ended in divorce in 1931. On November 5, 1944, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, he married Dorothy Price Vanderpool, who also had been divorced. Vanderpool had two daughters; Rosemary, from her first marriage, and Donna Dale from their marriage together.

Carnegie died at his home in Forest Hills, New York.[8] He was buried in the Belton, Cass County, Missouri, cemetery. The official biography from Dale Carnegie & Associates, Inc. states that he died of Hodgkin's disease on November 1, 1955.[9]

Dale Carnegie - How to Win Friends & Influence People (audiobook)

The Dale Carnegie Principle on worry.

Learn to apply the Dale Carnegie Principle on worry.

When we have to take decisions we worry about the consequences.

Before running away, ask yourself what is the worst that can happen if you take the decision.  

Analyse the facts and the situations; it may not be as bad as you think.

Be prepared for the worst, then go ahead and take the decision.

Dale Carnegie How to Stop Worrying and Start Living

How to Win Friends & Influence People - Audiobook